Fuck. Can't believe that I'm gonna end secondary school life with so many regrets. It's weird to be posting this when O'levels haven't ended yet , but I just can't help it. Shall just treat this as a reminder to correct these regrets before it's too late and becomes fixed.
Looking back at the stupid thoughts of mine in lower sec. Wtf was wrong with me when I'm being so choosy about who should be my friend. Wth, who am I sia. I'm not even some kpop star that have the rights to choose who to be their friend. Sigh. At least now I have my clique of Veron Joelle jiaxian XinYi Cheryl. Although, I don't know what to view us either. We're together, yet we're not either. Guy friends? Hoho I don't even know who. Yeah I have multiple, but you know those relationships where we're more than friends but less than lovers? Who's that? Hmmm idk. It's either I'm too afraid of being hurt or afraid that I'll hurt them. Keep the safest distance I can ever keep to prevent either party form getting hurt. But I want a guy friend that I'm not afraid I will fall for cause I won't, vice versa, so we can do everything that best friends do without having to fear playing a death game. Also, the girlfriend whom I can depend on 24/7, understands me unconditionally , same goes the other way. One that I don't have to worry that we'll fall on bad terms, ever. In secondary school life, I don't need people to like me romantically, I just don't want any strong haters. Any that despise my existence. I can't correct that anymore, ohwell. Not that I would even bother correcting that cause some of them are seriously the most childish unreasonable people I've ever met. Moving on. Cca. Why did I screw up my cca. I really failed as a leader. In council board too. I really wonder why people say I have leadership. Being as honest as I can, I can't even lead a group properly. With the fail English of mine, people can't even understand what I'm trying to convey half the time. Juniors lose their respect for me. They're alright with me as a friend, someone to joke with. But they don't see me as the leader who would lead them. I don't even have the basic skills as a leader despite the numerous trainings I've had. Sorry to disappoint all of you ya. Maybe I'm just seen as a scapegoat to take the shit load that others hate doing. Maybe. But I've lost every ounce of confidence I have in me. There's tons of great times I've had too, but I shall keep to naming the negativities here. All these mistakes I've made, and all these regrets I've had. All the "dying wishes" yet to be fulfilled. Time is so short. I should use all these time to correct all the mistakes, but this obstacle O'level is really a nuisance. I have to devote as much time as I can into you. Give me a break pretty please? When I can't get myself to study, I have a panic attack, and I end up wasting more time than ever. Even if I've studied plenty for the day, I can't devote myself to recharging myself. 50% is still thinking about you. Day and night. It's kinda true that whatever I dream is the opposite of reality. But I've had numerous dreams of me getting my ideal results. Is that a bad sign? I'd hate to see a repeat of PSLE.

All you ever cared for was her. I did my best to be there for you. I tried my hardest to make you happy. You're the first person that I've ever done so much for.
I have to admit that time spent with you was priceless. All the laughters, sadness, randomness, craziness. Even those lame bickers we have every single day. I cherished them all. Even when my friends shunt you, discouraged me to hang out with you, i disregarded them and treated you like my best-est friend. You've hurt me countless times, but all i did was just suck it up and forgave you. Remember when you first broke up with her? Seeing you all shattered and apart really broke my heart. I may not love you as a lover, but i treat you like a family. You tried moving on from her, accidentally falling for me temporarily. This is common for boys who just went through a heartbreak. The heart needs comforting. It needs love. For the pain to heal, you've mistaken your thankfulness into love. You realized this later and changed your mind. Well, it hurts a lot knowing this sad truth, but it's alright. All that matters is that i can still be by your side, supporting you. I know that many of your friends doesnt like me either. Sorry.
I know that I'm a burden to you at times. I may have upset you many times too. But think about it, was there ever a time that i was angry at you, to the point of ignoring you for days? None. You? You can just hate on me from other's influence, or just ignore me out of PMS. I didn't put it on heart. Why? I cherish this friendship of ours. Really. If I wasn't afraid of losing you, i wouldn't spend sleepless nights thinking about how to apologize, trying to reflect on what exactly i've done wrong. I thought that this time, it would be like before. Cold war for days, and we'll be fine. No. I'm wrong. Its really the end now huh. Cutting all ties with me.
If you really wanna end this now, I'll respect your decision. But can i at least have one last request? Tell me what i did wrong. It really hurts. Even while doing my papers today. Memories kept reappearing. People can call me weak, lame, stupid, foolish. Are you telling me that the times we've been through since sec 1 till now was all nothing to you? I know you've changed, you've 'grown' from your relationship with her. But have you changed to a person that could forsake a friendship so easily? I don't remember doing anything grave that made you hate on me. We were fine the day before. Talking at night, as usual. I notice that you're different, but i thought that it was just stress from exams. But you just cut all ties with me completely. It's like a silent stab at the back.
Everyone is saying, " just shut the fuck up and move on." Memories are holding me back though. Never have i once cried for the sake of others. Thanks for all the time spent. Thanks for all the scars you left behind. "bleeding may stop, but scars would never heal." Time may be my medicine to fade the pain away. But the scars you've left will forever be there.
I've finally woken up, realising that " people come and go." Even those whom you think that would never leave. I've placed too much trust. I'm tired of all these bullshits.

"143." "I hate you."

Yeah I'm stupid, oblivious. 

I'm just a useless good-for-nothing. 

It's obvious that I don't belong anywhere. I'm always last place in everyone's heart . Thanks for giving me false hopes. You brought me back up when I was down, only to let go of that hand and let me fall hard. Can't say it's the first time, but the pain just feels worst after each time. I'm really sick and tired of this. Can someone please, help me up, and never let go? Pain doesn't fade. It accumulates. Thanks to this I've changed to somebody that doesn't even deserves to be human. 

Being alone can make someone start to think, deeply. Sometimes, you just wished that your life was like someone else.

Hahas ! today was an awesome day . Class Group outing was freaking epic yet memorable .