Fuck. Can't believe that I'm gonna end secondary school life with so many regrets. It's weird to be posting this when O'levels haven't ended yet , but I just can't help it. Shall just treat this as a reminder to correct these regrets before it's too late and becomes fixed.
Looking back at the stupid thoughts of mine in lower sec. Wtf was wrong with me when I'm being so choosy about who should be my friend. Wth, who am I sia. I'm not even some kpop star that have the rights to choose who to be their friend. Sigh. At least now I have my clique of Veron Joelle jiaxian XinYi Cheryl. Although, I don't know what to view us either. We're together, yet we're not either. Guy friends? Hoho I don't even know who. Yeah I have multiple, but you know those relationships where we're more than friends but less than lovers? Who's that? Hmmm idk. It's either I'm too afraid of being hurt or afraid that I'll hurt them. Keep the safest distance I can ever keep to prevent either party form getting hurt. But I want a guy friend that I'm not afraid I will fall for cause I won't, vice versa, so we can do everything that best friends do without having to fear playing a death game. Also, the girlfriend whom I can depend on 24/7, understands me unconditionally , same goes the other way. One that I don't have to worry that we'll fall on bad terms, ever. In secondary school life, I don't need people to like me romantically, I just don't want any strong haters. Any that despise my existence. I can't correct that anymore, ohwell. Not that I would even bother correcting that cause some of them are seriously the most childish unreasonable people I've ever met. Moving on. Cca. Why did I screw up my cca. I really failed as a leader. In council board too. I really wonder why people say I have leadership. Being as honest as I can, I can't even lead a group properly. With the fail English of mine, people can't even understand what I'm trying to convey half the time. Juniors lose their respect for me. They're alright with me as a friend, someone to joke with. But they don't see me as the leader who would lead them. I don't even have the basic skills as a leader despite the numerous trainings I've had. Sorry to disappoint all of you ya. Maybe I'm just seen as a scapegoat to take the shit load that others hate doing. Maybe. But I've lost every ounce of confidence I have in me. There's tons of great times I've had too, but I shall keep to naming the negativities here. All these mistakes I've made, and all these regrets I've had. All the "dying wishes" yet to be fulfilled. Time is so short. I should use all these time to correct all the mistakes, but this obstacle O'level is really a nuisance. I have to devote as much time as I can into you. Give me a break pretty please? When I can't get myself to study, I have a panic attack, and I end up wasting more time than ever. Even if I've studied plenty for the day, I can't devote myself to recharging myself. 50% is still thinking about you. Day and night. It's kinda true that whatever I dream is the opposite of reality. But I've had numerous dreams of me getting my ideal results. Is that a bad sign? I'd hate to see a repeat of PSLE.